Leaving

November went too fast. In my mind, I’m still carving pumpkins, there is still time to visit the apple orchard at Carter Mountain, time for cardigans and windows open to the fall breeze. The disconnect between the Christmas lights and decorations, my expectation of time passing, and the warm weather is making me feel unstable, off balance. My fingertips are cold and the rest of me is warm.

I couldn’t sleep till 3am, then Nat woke up, his snuffly cries in the dark. “Mommy! Daddy! Mommydaddy! Poo poo pee pee!” I went and got him, and changed his diaper and brought him to our bed and nursed him and slept deeply finally, no dreams, tangled up in children.

Coffee in the morning and I forgot to eat breakfast and no wonder I have a headache. “One more hug, mommy, you leave too much!” And I don’t. But he said this one time when I was working a lot and that time, it brought me up short, a breath taking statement. I was leaving too much. It was simply true. We needed the money and saying no to birth work was too hard because I care so much and I worked so hard to make this abundance of work happen, but I was leaving too much. I stopped in my tracks, and came back and hugged him and told him I would try not to work so much. Now I only work two days a week and have said no to birth work which was hard at first, but felt better each time, caring for my own boundaries, recentering and recharging, but he still says it every time I leave now. Even for a twenty minute run. The reaction must have been interesting last time. I try to shrug off the mantle of guilt but threads of it follow me throughout the morning, wisps of guilt trailing behind me. I can’t move fast enough to leave the guilt behind.

#mothering #working #doula