"At preschool assessment children with neonatal stroke did not differ from published norms, whereas at school age significantly lower full scales IQ scores, impaired working memory and reduced processing speed compared to
the norms were evident." I just have to get my thoughts down about potential intellectual disability. When you look at Teddy, he seems so normal. I operate most days under the assumption that he escaped unscathed from neonatal stroke. But the truth still is: We don't know. So I am learning to grapple with the idea of intellectual disability. The average IQ for boys with unilateral ischemic stroke (and Teddy's was bilateral) is 87.
What would an IQ of 87 be like?
I read a book from the point of view of a father whose son has Down's Syndrome. He writes, "mostly it was a matter of mood--keeping a strong mood of joyfulness and gratefulness, and trying not, in our attitudes or speech, to lay the world out in hierarchies" (Jesse Ball, Census).
To not lay the world our in heirarchies...
Justin said last night that the reason we value a high IQ is because that's how we make a living these days. In a hunter gatherer society, perhaps big muscles would have been valued. Who is putting value on a high IQ? Would Teddy put a value on it? Or is it my imposed value making it seem like a big deal that he will have a slower processing speed?
Sheamus, our seven-year-old, struggles with dopamine. He has ADHD and an anxiety disorder. It's obvious to me that he has low dopamine and is always seeking it. Why do I not wail on the kitchen floor for his low dopamine levels? To be sure, that will have a profound impact on him. Yet, we don't devalue someone's brain because they have low dopamine levels. He's doing great in math and reading. That's what we value, but isn't that a choice, to value that above all else?
Will Teddy suffer because he has a lower than average IQ? Or are those limits that I am imposing on him?
Miraculously, he has his motor skills and his IQ will be high enough to allow him to move through the world, most likely independently. He just may never have a career that requires fast information processing, expanded vocabulary. Why do I value that so much?
It hurts me that he's been hurt. That the strokes did hurt him. Most days, I move through the world thinking that the strokes don't matter because he is meeting his milestones at fifteen months. But I know in my heart that cognitive deficits will most likely emerge as he gets older. It's hard to grapple with because I feel so alone. Everyone else, except Justin, has moved on. Teddy had a stroke and he recovered. Look, a miracle baby! He is meeting his milestones at 15 months. I'm not sure if they believe that because they don't know about the studies on neonatal stroke, or if they truly believe in the miracle, or if they just can't handle the uncertainties that I live with every day. I don't know why everyone insists on telling me that he's fine all the time. It hurts me when I yo-yo back and forth between he's fine, oh maybe he's not fine. It hurts so much. Every time I grieve when I truly grapple with the unknowns about his intellectual disability.
The truth is we still don't know. But then another more deeper truth, is that maybe it doesn't matter that much. An IQ of 87--maybe I'm just seeing the world in hierarchies. Maybe I can break free of that.
God, give me the strength and the wisdom to restructure my worldview to accommodate the limitless potential of a brain injured by neonatal stroke.