Mom's Group

I felt like I was bringing down the mom's group by just talking about how things are going postpartum. It feels like if I don't bring up the strokes, the occupational therapy, the specialist visits, then I'm somehow lying with my presence at a normal mom's group. I always feel like an imposter. But he is a baby. He does sleep fitfully. I do struggle with breastfeeding and have questions about postpartum. I am simultaneously a new mom and a traumatized woman. He is simultaneously a newborn and a stroke survivor. It doesn't always have to be, "He had a stroke." Sometimes it can be, "He slept so badly last night, and what kind of carrier do you have?" It doesn't always have to be, "I had a C-section and he was drained of blood in the OR." It can sometimes be, "I had so many contractions, they woke me up the night before he was born. He was born during that hurricane and I watched the trees whip around from the 6th floor window of L&D." There is more than one truth. Sometimes I can just be a third time mom offering advice to first time moms. Not everything I do has to be "trauma informed." Sometimes I can just be a new mom with a ten week old baby and "look at his chubby thighs!" and not mention the feeding tube. Sometimes I can be the woman I thought I would be during this time. I can find her and integrate her into this other woman who has PTSD, who endured something unendurable. Sometimes Teddy can be the baby I thought he would be. I can find him and mix him with the brain damaged baby, with the hurt baby, the special needs baby--I can find the resilient, healthy newborn I was expecting for nine months and bring them together and hold both of them close to my chest and talk about baby carriers and pump parts and postpartum sleep.